They fight and you Lose - You halt them - You win

Growing Self Awareness

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A Self Awareness site to help Men and Women deal with their Inner Patriarchs and Inner Matriarchs

The Big but False Rule

How much does this “Big  Rule” seem to  control Your Life?

This rule goes something like this inside us:

“Almost all power is outside of me” (false)

It follows from this that almost all control over my life is in the hands of other people, the ones who have the power. (false)

It is they who I must get to change because I don’t have the power inside me to make changes. (false)

You might also feel “I am not confident enough to try making changes when I don’t have the power”. Instead, I need to get “them” to make the changes. (false).

So many of life’s problems are connected to, or driven by, this  same one underlying (and untrue) belief - that who you are and how much you matter is determined by other people, not by you. This is not true.

Example: I will feel much better inside, if I can just make people (outside of me) treat me better, care more about me or do what I want.

This Disempowering false belief helps us give my power away, every day

Each time you give your power away to anyone else  you are “disempowering” yourself and at the heart of almost every disempowering pattern there sits this same deeply felt, powerful yet false belief (inside me)

This incredibly powerful false belief emphasises  that “ ...   the power is outside of me.” (false).

This leads to more disempowering  beliefs and predictions. All are untrue.:

* There is a person, a process, or an object outside me which is more powerful than me. (false)


* This outside of me person, that substance, that object, that activity (any or all of them) are exactly what I need to “make me” feel loved, worthwhile, safe, good enough. Only they, alone (or it alone) can fix my problems and at the same time take away my shame, heal my emotional wounding and stop my worrying or grieving or holding on to a sense of loss. (false)

* They have the key, I don’t. (false)

These disempowering beliefs are usually accompanied by supporting beliefs that this person, object or process possesses the only key that can  unlock these longed for feelings and solve my problems. That person that object or that process has the power and the key. (false)

* BUT ....  If I can make them do that for me then I will feel much better inside. (false)

If a disempowering belief involves another  person, then it will tell you that he or she holds some kind of magical power to fix things for you “if only she or he wanted to”. So if I have any power it will be in my ability to make them do this for me! (false) If I fail it proves again that I have no power. (false)

It’s much the same with activities like gambling, work addiction or love addiction. If I can just put enough effort or money into the way I do that powerful activity then I can make it fix things inside me that I can’t  fix myself. (false)

If the magic thing is a substance, alcohol, nicotine, or chocolate or a drug it’s the same. If, after three quick intakes it’s starting to show its magic power to fix things inside me, then I must have sixs. That way I will make it work harder for me. (false).  

Looking back over your life can you see how often you have been tricked by this false belief.

Most emotional over-reactions are  aimed either at getting somebody to do what we want or stop them doing what we don’t want. Almost every forecast, prediction or prophecy we make about what we believe somebody will or won’t do for us and what will go wrong is driven by this same false belief.

This can lead to another disempowering and false belief about your future.

* I can never hope  to be the “real me”. I don’t have the power within me to be that wonderful, special “me” that I want to be.


The reality…. self-empowerment is in your hands

The more you can resist this false belief the less you will be triggered and you won’t have as many emotional over-reactions. You won’t make as many predictions or forecasts about things that probably won’t happen.

The reality is that it is your job to fix things inside you by yourself, especially all your sad, painful, not good enough feelings. Only you can fix those feelings.

Wanting others to feel my pain means I want them to help fix it for me. When I can feel it by myself, I can heal it by myself.

The measure of my own personal power is how often I can do this successfully, all by myself. Each time I do this I am closer to becoming the “real, the truly authentic, the really powerful me”.

Where this old false belief comes from…..

It’s understandable that as a child you would believe that you had to rely on people outside of you to get your needs met, fix your childhood problems, help  you feel loved and happy inside and outside.

If this didn’t happen for you as a child then this can set up an unfortunate level of reliance on finding another “outside of me person” or an activity to do the job you believed back then that you could never do for yourself.

Often parents, teachers and older siblings all told you that you needed them to help you fix things. In return for their help you had to do what they wanted or even the be the person they wanted you to be.

This is why the old belief is so powerful, because  if you believed it was true, then it made things easier for you. Back then, if you did what other powerful people wanted and fitted in with their plans for you it seemed to “work”. So each day you lived  your life that way, believing it to be true.

But there was a price to pay in return for peace and harmony. You were not learning much, if anything, about having power in your own right.