They fight and you Lose - You halt them - You win

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This is a good time to remember the so often forgotten wisdom that you are not your behaviour” or in Pia Mellody’s words ... “Your are doings are not your beings.”

You may do something while you're angry but that does not mean to are being ‘an angry person’. Yet we fall into this trap so often.

We have different being descriptions to describe a person who shoots and kills someone.  That person may be a police officer or a soldier. It could be a killer loose on the street. Who they are being at the time affects the way we see what they are doing in moral terms. But what they did does not define who they are..

Some people may judge a single woman who enjoys sex outside a committed relationship. She is being a single woman who chooses to be active sexually but if people do not approve of what she is doing they give her a ‘being’ label. She is a ......  .

A man who does the same thing will be given a different being label. He is a man but it is what he is doing that we notice and according to whether we approve or disapprove we may label him as being “a stud” or being “a .......”

In the box (above) is a powerful spoken or written boundary that helps you reject negative generalising or labelling when people try to tell you who you are.

Reject a negative Inventory - Flaws Galore

If you find yourself on the receiving end  of a long line of negative “you ...” messages, delivered one after the other, that’s a negative inventory. Usually the inventory is delivered face to face but sometimes it is done by letter, over the phone or by e-mail. The one-way inventory goes something like this, non-stop.

“You are .............”

“You never .............”

“You always .............”

“You think you are .............”

“You don’t .............”

“You can’t .............”

“You won’t .............”

“You make me feel sad  .............”

“You make me so angry .............”

“You always hurt me ......”

“You’re cruel ....”

“You’re stupid!/ wrong / an idiot / dumb.”

“You haven’t got a clue!”

“You’re crazy .............”

“You need .....(psychiatric)...... help!”

“You don’t have the slightest   .............”

“You’re a loser .............”

“You just .............”

“You .............”

You need even stronger boundaries to make sure their repetition doesn’t start to undermine you. It’s best to block them all with a single rejection.  

First remind yourself “Who I am and how much I matter in the World is none of their business.”

If you can, then tell the person the same thing.

Print one of these out and keep it handy for each time you need it

Your anti-labelling boundary kit